My First Homosexual Feelings

After a few years; I got over depression and anxiety and I rejoined society because I could no longer live being an introvert and alone. So I talked with myself and came to the decision that the former sexual molestation I encountered  changed everything in my life and I have to live this way, and even if I lie to everyone; I don’t want to lie to myself. Despite the fact that my interests, feelings, the way I move, my way of talking and the way I dress still draws attention in my society, and occasionally people suspect that I am gay , I had just turned 12 when one of my neighbours who was a 31 years old Arabic Language teacher and he would visit the mosque daily and was a very religious guy, and taught me Arabic when I went to his home and beside being an Arabic teacher he was also a Kung Fu trainer. After we would finish our daily lessons we would wrestle and he was always the winner, one day after our lesson we were wrestling and no one was home, it was just the two of us when he knocked me down the floor he jumped on me and I felt him against me and put me against his chest then the scary horrendous feeling started coming through me and I started crying he said "Why are you crying?" I told him that he was hurting me he said "Alright I will no longer hurt you", and then I went home and was pondering why did this happen to me again maybe I have a problem and it is because I am pretty and delicate or maybe they like to do that. For a while I didn't go to their house even though his brothers were friends with me but I still didn't go, after a while his brothers told me to come so he will give us Arabic lessons, they said "Come so we can pass this year". I got scared and he told my father so I can go and get the lessons, I had no choice and went, we would all wrestle after our lessons, he sent his brothers to buy some stuff I thought he wanted us to be alone and slowly I felt being turned on and he started rubbing against me and put me on his lap and my body surrendered in his hands, he put his month into mine and started kissing my neck and body and took off my clothes and put me back on his lap. He was trying to put his penis inside my ass but because I was a kid I was tight, his penis was short but it was thick and I couldn't handle it. After this my feelings and desires became clear and I felt like I was falling in love with him, he also spoiled me a lot and bought me nice things and I secretly stayed with him for a few years, I loved him so much and I got completely attached to him and couldn't be away from him. Time went by and one evening we were all home when someone knocked on the door my mom opened the door and we asked who it was she said we got a wedding invitation who knows whose is it….. the last thing on my mind was him because I saw him that noon and he didn't say anything, my mother said your teacher got married, I went to my room and I felt very very sad and upset my life turned into hell I got fever and chills and other illness, up until now I get feelings when I see him but those feelings turned into hatred because of all those things he said to me and all those feelings he expressed to me I never expected him to do that to me but slowly I came to believe that that was my destiny maybe it is a test for me so I won't fall in love and get attached to my partners . Now he has 4 children when I see how happy he is and how much love he has for his wife I get really sad and I really loathe that neighborhood and their house, every time I enter that neighborhood I forget all the good memories and the only thing I can remember is him and the pain and heartbreak he caused me, many times he tried to lure me in so we can continue what we did, I told him I don't want to cheat with you on your wife he said that desire is not cheating it is love I have for you I told him I would rather die than do that deed with you again.   

I am 25 years old now, and I have a a relatively good life. I have friends who care about me. But everytime I have social meetings with people, and if the subject of homosexuality was brought up, I get really sad as they don't know that I'm gay, and they use words that are really hurtful. They hurt even though the few people who know comfort me.