My Boyfriend and I


  • First Boyfriend

In the past, him I viewed myself as a gold panner that’d always search the rivers of the world to obtain the most precious of all! Especially even more when I saw I’m in a world covered in desires and materialistic objects, all people here lived and live in a big spiritual oblivion and an eternal unawareness, I’ve been always the kind of person who goes against common paths, the path that most follow in ignorance and sustain. 

Since the beginning I realised that my homeland is against all differences. Against all the ideologies that differs from a human to another! I understood that experimenting with desires in among the people of this land and its homosexuals is rooted in the society’s grave-like suppression, all the injustice and humanitarian desolation is sourced in the mindless tribal culture that originate specifically from religion! 

After a long time of loneliness and waiting to find my soul’s other half, one night (he) suddenly appeared, from the beginning I felt a strange stirring in my soul, he was the human I’ve been waiting for a long time for his arrival, we met through social media sites, Facebook to be exact. For a long while we were busy exchanging opinions and getting to know each other in that world, the conversations collectively were expressions of emotions and much affection, from the beginning I felt a strange love in me, not because every human needs a partner to share their feeling and worry with, but because (he) was a human to a degree that whenever I became hopeless of humanity I restored my own humanity with his.

After a period of time in which we were sharing opinions and much spiritual familiarity we decided to meet each other. For me, I had mixed emotions; on one hand I was really craving to see him, on the other hand I felt a great deal of hardship because going face to face with the person you love is really difficult for me.

At last, on a late evening we meet each other, sitting on a chair in a building waiting, suddenly two warm hands covered my eyes, my heart beat really fast against my chest, after a few moments of silence and standing still he asked me who am I?!  A weird sensation floated that even now I can’t describe. Right when he put his hands away I stood up and faced him, quickly we kissed each other’s cheeks and because of my nervousness I excused myself to go to the toilets where I spent a few minutes staring at the ceiling without getting back to my senses and making a decision. I went back to him, and together we went to the place we decided on before, we treated one another like we knew each other for a century, for me the situation felt more like a dream than reality, that night felt different from any other night I’ve lived before in my life, everything looked different and had different colors, I tried to understand asking myself “what is it and how?!” For that I could only look up at the sky, I even asked him a couple of times “Is this real or a part of an imagination?!” 

We spent two days together, from the perspective of time it was too short and just disappeared, but for us it was significant for our relationship. In those two days we forgot all our worries and sorrows and when we had to leave, a heavy sadness took over me! Especially after (he) said goodbye and started walking and would turn around and look at me with his pure eyes! Going back home was going back to a simple and colorless life! 

A new state sprung in my life that made me unable to stand my dull social circle! Making our next meeting happening soon was the only thing on my mind, in a way that I’d miss him in the most crowded places away from him feeling the a unbearable loneliness, for me being with him is something that always has a new enjoyment, time went by, our relationship became stronger and more intimate, even now after all those misfortunes and miseries turned against us our love is stronger than ever, I see the uniqueness as that it can take a person to places only love can show and experience. Now in spite of the threats and dangers thrown upon us by the ignorant, love and freedom killing individuals we are more determined to continue cultivating the values and the love we have between us, and for those we have withstood every hardship and inconvenience. Now I am waiting with him to go to a place where we can be safe, a place where I can live with him and love him.

  • Second Boyfriend

Before knowing him; I always felt lonely and incomplete, empty of invaluable love, the days of my life went by in a meaningless and empty way, I wished for a person who would at least semi understand the meaning of loyalty and love. Luckily I saw that he is an advocate of love and I can view him as an angel and prophet from that world and learn from him, when we started talking I felt a spiritual closeness with him. In a way; I wanted to constantly talk with him and whenever we’d talk I’d learn more from him, especially in romance and devotion. Day after day I saw more beauty in him and my love kept growing bigger. All that made me forget the sorrow and the repetition of daily routine, because in this country there isn’t a square of land for two people loving each other to share their feeling peacefully or kiss without fear unless they fit into certain boxes, I did not know how and where to spend time with my partner, the only place that I’d have relied on was a room I shared with other students in a dormitory where I studied, I waited for my friends to go back to their homes during a school break or a weekend, to invite my lover and spend a peaceful time with him there.

After a while of our relationship, I spoke to a friend about it, my friend was a homosexual as well, I met him long before the start of the relationship, although when we first got to know each other that friend asked me for a relationship but I knew from the start that he wasn’t who I truly want, the only thing that kept our friendship was because he had a lot of problems and suffering and that made me sympathise with him help and care for him. 

But speaking about my romantic relationship with him brought up malicious jealousy and envy in him from the very start, he tried in numerous ways to get between me and my boyfriend and ruin what we had, but none of his efforts succeed. 

I didn’t care about my unfaithful friend’s plans or what he said I was just very disappointed with him I expected that as a compassionate human and a friend he’d be happy for me instead of planning to ruin it! At last he got hold of a picture of me hugging my boyfriend through Facebook and he used the photo to degrade me, and he sent it to one of my brothers through Facebook with a message saying that “Your brother is doing dishonorable things”. Our misfortune started then, straightaway that night my brother attacked me and told all the family. My father and brothers started humiliating, shaming and beating me, my sisters through their crying and screams got the neighbours involved, without knowing the story they also started watching and belittling me from the top of their houses, it was so unexpected that I couldn’t endure it and I was speechless. I ran from the house as quietly as possible and called my boyfriend. 

That night I stayed at a hotel, in the morning he arrived to Hawler from Slemani and together we headed to Shaqlawa. A cousin of mine who went to my house after I left and knew about the situation saw us at a checkpoint, He is a strict and conservative person and is a person with authority at that area. He saw me and called me without asking how I am doing he at once said some hurtful things, I was very surprised, he continued with his offending and hurtful words until my boyfriend got out of the car and started arguing with my cousin asking him to leave me alone and stop making a scene. My cousin was filled with anger and told my lover “It seems you are one of those too”, my lover quickly replied “What’s between us is just brotherly love and you all are blinded with rage and misunderstood the whole situation”. Through those words my cousin found out that this person is the same guy who appears in the picture with me! 

With that realization he got as furious as a mad bull, his eyes staring and nostrils expanding with rage, he handed us to a car taking the armed forces to the city, and he told them “It’s better if you can teach them a lesson!”. There we suffered a lot of humiliation treating us like we were deviants and immoral beings, the staff there took pictures of us with their phones and beat us. I found out later that my family was upset and saddened about what my cousin did, but it didn’t matter to me anymore because they caused all that and made me go through this.

After several days of staying in police custody and suffering so much inhuman treatments, my boyfriend’s family used their connections at the government to release us. But the situation became worse when his family found out too, we tried making them believe that the photo is of two normal friends and nothing more, however the efforts were unsuccessful, the problem continued like that and still is, each time our families come up with a new insult, demands and obligations to oppose us, like asking us to go back to live with them and get married to a girl right away, otherwise they wouldn’t forgive us!
Currently we live away from the violence together moving from a place to another, with a heart full of deep affection and a world of misfortunes and a killing uncertainty. Right now the only hope we have is humanitarians and organisations that focus on the LGBT community to help and rescue us from this terrible situation so we can live in a free and civilized place and peacefully continue our relationship and normal lives.